Be Strong When Things Fall Apart

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I have done a large amount of writing in a journal and little blogging lately. There are advantages and disadvantages to both. I am more honest and truthful in my personal writings and more audience-based in my online writings; a greater willingness to share but of select information.

My quest to simplify has been excruciating; banging my head against the wall and wanting to put it through the windshield constantly. This year has been a joke. There are things that I am wanting to do but won’t because of both fear and comfort. I’m too comfortable with being sad and not strong enough to emerge from my shell and grow up. 

Even now I’m finding it difficult to communicate through these writings; I am now accustomed to the private intimacy of not having everything analyzed besides anyone that isn’t myself or my doctor. Someday I’ll write a book. It won’t sell. But it’ll exist and maybe someone will read it and understand.

I encourage you to keep a personal journal and write consistently. Go back and re-read passages and understand the relationships of your mind. It is a beautiful thing.

I’ve been trying to cut back on the internet anyhow, so this blog isn’t helping on that part of my quest. Perhaps it is best to keep the thoughts to myself and have more direct conversation with others.

Either way, just live.

I Can Do It.

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once I realized not clothing, cars, or even photographs define us, I abandoned all of what I believed made me who I am. It is character. It is heart. It is what we do with what we have, not just possessing alone. All of the shit I’ve bought hasn’t defined me in the 4 years I’ve been developing. It is my character. It is who I am that determines what I do. And so I must abandon these false priorities in order to define and chisel at my own character.

Help, I’m Alive

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I’m frustrated. Angry. Disappointed. Irritated. Restless. Conflicted.

There is a revolutionary war going on inside of my brain. My right & left sides have taken it upon themselves to tear my psyche apart, ripping away my ability to function. You see because every year I make promises like everyone else. “I’m gonna do this and that and I’m not gonna do this and that” and because it’s the beginning of a new year, it all seems possible. That untapped 365 day blank canvas is refreshing, it’s that feeling of the first 60 degree weather day after a cold, harsh winter. Except my winter hasn’t stopped.

My fucking problem is that I’m living in the 21st century with a late 19th century mindset. And no, I didn’t discover that idea through a Buzzfeed quiz I saw on Facebook. I’ve been professionally analyzed by a licensed doctor who says that I am on a fucking quest. I have ideas in my brain that are conflicting with what I’ve grown to learn over the last twenty years. To get a job, to invest money, to buy happiness, to struggle, to play it safe, to wake up every morning and complain about your entire fucking life. As I explained to my therapist about how I hated possessions, debt, anguish, and repressed psychological stigmas, he nodded his head intently and explained to me that the things I wish to accomplish are not easy for someone of my particular age & position. “Well great!”, I thought. Just what I wanted out of my life: the impossible. Except it’s not really possible. I could, and have tried many many times before to disappear off of the face of the earth. Social networking fucking ruins my life man. It makes me insecure, it wastes my own fucking time, it’s POINTLESS, and yet somehow I cannot stay away. It is, of course, the emotional satisfaction that comes with every fav/retweet/like/etc. Everyone is so god damn nosey, wondering what other people are doing/looking like/thinking about all the fucking time. This is insanity. What blows my fucking mind is how some people can be praised on their twitter feed for the funny shit they may post, but in person they’re a complete drag. 

But this isn’t about how other people are behaving on the internet, it’s how trying to keep an online persona running constantly is draining my life. I once sat and thought about how the internet can make extroverts out of introverted people and laugh at the idea of how we have internet personas to project out into the online world, much as we try in the real world with our appearance and personalities. I vomit at the concepts of both. I’ve been taught to try to do things a certain way to reflect a persona in which I want to convey to the world & maybe eventually reform my integrity. But we all know the true definition of integrity, and I’ve been trying to take notes of my exact behavior when I know that no one is watching or being fed a feed online or know what I’m listening to or anything. I advise conducting a similar experiment.

Analysts everywhere will tell you that if you want to thrive in any sort of business today, you’ll need a strong social media presence. This is true, sadly. Shit if it wasn’t for the business I get from my Facebook page, I’d be off the map almost immediately. But I just can’t seem to do it. I can’t find my exact motivation. I get bored after a day of being offline and wonder what everyone is doing and I cave. I’m weak. But I’m human. This fucking internet drug use is making me miserable. I have combated the writing problem; however, I’ve been keeping a journal for about a month now. It feels odd in its own way, writing to no real audience but my future self. It is a universe of its own.

What point am I making in this post? That I’m bragging about how I’m gonna leave social media (again (again (again))) because it’s “ruining my life and wah wah wah wah wah fuck people”? Probably. Who knows. It seems I’ll never escape my labyrinth of suffering; making $150 per week from a job that’s too far away, having to find a new psychiatrist because the one I was seeing wasn’t in my network, not wanting to get out of bed every day, feeling tired every waking fucking second, not being able to pay my bills, living from dollar to dollar, making the wrong choices, debating on the right choices, having no escape. Life is way too simple to be this fucking complicated.

Imagine no possessions.
I wonder if you can. 

Don’t Stop When The Red Lights Flash

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“I’m watching Green Day play at the Reading Fest on youTube, daydreaming about playing in front of a crowd would know any of our lyrics.

I feel like anyone that I’ll talk to about life (okay not everyone) will tell me that I’ll never “make it” as a musician. But what is “making it” exactly? I remember playing our first show; right before I looked at Wes and said “we’re here”. It took us nearly 8 months to start a band of our own and play our first show, but god dammit we did it. That felt like making it. But to me, now, that was merely the beginning.

I know for a fact that not everyone is going to like our music, hell even me at times. But fuck it, right? It’s ours, not theirs. While a fuck-ton of people will be working their shit jobs they hate making money to buy happiness, I’ll be struggling to eat and sleep doing what I love.

It’s amazing what people will sacrifice for security.”

Tools

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The way I look at it, humans have tools. We can do good with these tools or we can let the tools consume us. We can use guns to kill and murder people or protect them. We can use the internet to communicate with anyone in the world or we can let it consume and ruin our lives. We can use money to help those in need and accomplish our wildest dreams or we can let it consume us. 

Don’t blame the tools, blame yourself.

To (Really) Simplify

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Last night was a scary experience for me. I don’t wish to share it in such a broad generalization to the world.

I’ve been trying to live a more simple life these last two months. And by “trying” I mean I’ve done some extensive Googling about people who live simple, frugal lives and think to my self “damn that sounds so wonderful, I want to live like that.” After reading all of the excitement, I make a list of all the things I’m gonna do to change my life and make it more simple — and that’s about as far as it gets.

What is my problem? I’m really good at making a bunch of different plans and not executing any of them. I come up with millions of different ideas each day and I can’t seem to ever do anything about them. I’ve been back and forth back and forth, full of indecision for at least 6 constant weeks. It’s getting to the point where I want to do absolutely nothing. And last night, I broke.

I’m starting to feel uneasy again so I’m going to try and stop thinking about everything again. Thankfully I start therapy next Wednesday. I wish it was sooner.

Imagine

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The other night I had a dream I was living out of a backpack. I had almost nothing except my absolute essentials. My, how awesome that would be.

The last week or so I’ve been struggling with consumerism. Earlier this past week I went through my mountain of clothes and cut them down to a select sum that I felt I absolutely needed. It felt good, cutting down on things that were collecting dust just because I couldn’t bear to give them up for…what reason again? I want to start doing that with all of my things; however, it has proved to be a rather difficult task for someone who has spent the majority of their life growing up in the 21st century.

Televisions, phones, video games, the list goes on and on and on. We have become such a consumerist culture that the very idea of even living without these “necessities” is an idea of pure insanity! Who can live without a phone? The internet? I start to feel woozy in my stomach when I think about these things: how distracted I feel by all of my things. But that’s just it, they’re just things. Shit. Stupid shit. I’m frustrated.

I went looking on the internet for some examples of how I feel and I stumbled upon this great video by Mackelmore about how as a child, he bought into “the swoosh”. And of course we cannot forget one of my all-time favorite anthems by The Verve. How bittersweet indeed. These songs send great messages, how money and things can’t exactly fulfill your life like you want them to. No matter what you buy or how much money you have, it’ll never be enough. Instead I invite you to crave more fulfilling things in life: going for walks, being outdoors, writing your thoughts, being alone, noticing and appreciating the little things, taking steps to better yourself, enjoying life, engaging with others in direct conversation (go out and do something with your friends and don’t check your phone once), and living simply. Believe it or not people do it. There are people out there in the world that live simply and frugally; living in tiny shacks with the smallest amount of possessions possible to pursue a more fruitful, healthy lifestyle.

It’s scary to think about how the majority of companies out there do not give a shit about you, at all. They use clever marketing and endorsements through famous celebrities that you like to relate to (ensuring a secure connection with you) in order to seem friendly and, of course, always aware of your best interests. It’s all bullshit. They’re corporate companies who want the same Mercedes that you’re working your bullshit job for.

I won’t live a lie to give meaning to my life.